I Wish I Had Hugged You Harder When We Last Met
This is not your usual blogpost.
I feel a deep sense of sadness, anguish and anger in the pit of my stomach…I learnt last night that a dear friend of mine passed away. Well, that is to put it mildly - she took her own life by plunging through the eleventh floor of her office building.
In fact, she was not just a dear friend but more like a little sister. There was a significant age gap between us and she looked up to me for guidance and advice on life/career, took my advice to heart and mostly followed through. I’d known her for seven years and I had that ‘elder sister’ authority over her so I was more than overjoyed when she moved from India to Australia last year - I finally felt like I had family in Australia...sadly that didn’t last long as I moved to the US a year later and that was shortly followed by her unfortunate demise.
She was a chirpy soul with child-like innocence - always acting funny and silly especially in front of people she felt were like family… I found her antics quite adorable.
Knowing her, the fact that she took her own life came as a major shock to me as she was simply incapable of carrying out this drastic act.
As I jogged my memory of the times I had spoken to her either telephonically or in-person since the time she had moved to Australia and as I dug into the series of events that may have led to her untimely death, one thing became abundantly clear - her death reeked of racism and social exclusion at work.
To tell you the truth, I wasn’t surprised to learn this…
Well, personally I’ve been fortunate to have been never been at the short end of the stick of racism at work in Australia but I know some close friends who have. It’s a sad reality but it exists and people conveniently turn a blind eye towards it…but it still baffles me that my dear friend was at the receiving end of it to such a great extent that led her to take things in her own control and end her life.
Australia as a country is still playing catch-up to the US to attract immigrants and as long as things like these continue to make headlines, it looks difficult that it will ever nip at US’s heels.
I started reflecting on the last four years I spent in Australia and how some areas can be really challenging for immigrants to cope with that might result in them feeling alienated and excluded at work.
Australian ‘Way of Doing Things’ - This is something that no one would talk about and honestly there isn't much to talk about. Put simply, it’s following the same working style, protocol and mannerism as everyone else and leaving your own authentic self back at home. Ever heard of the ‘Tall Poppy Syndrome’ - in business settings, it loosely translates to not sticking out in a group. The expectation is so tacit that part of the immigrant brain is always heavily focused on blending in and so understanding this behavior protocol and abiding by it ultimately takes a toll on them and more often than not, they are caught up figuring out the delivery of the message rather then the message itself.
Result? Firstly, immigrants become conscious of their presence and surroundings and find it difficult to bring their authentic selves to work and secondly, their efficiency and productivity takes a massive hit.
Encouraging employees from all racial and ethnic backgrounds to be themselves and accepting them with gusto will make immigrants feel more relaxed and welcomed and will help them make significant work contributions. This seemingly intractable problem has largely been solved in the US where people from diverse background feel at ease in bringing their whole selves to work without the fear of retribution.
Australia is on the right trajectory but some amount of work still needs to be carried out before it gets there.
Lack of Role Models At Work - This one is a bit trickier to solve for. In my time at the biggest professional services firm in Australia, I yearned for a role model - someone that looked and talked like me so the feeling that someone like me could actually succeed in the Australian market could be reinforced.
I remember discussing this with a friend a while ago to which she quipped ‘You could be the role model for other people like you’…I found her remark quite endearing! Come to think of it, yes I could do that but wouldn’t it be so much easier for me if I had a path already carved out and I just had to run with it.
Not having a role model has subliminal effects. As an immigrant, it’s a direct signal to us that ‘we’ don’t have what it takes - it hasn’t happened in the past and it won’t happen in the future. It runs so deep psychologically that we are not able to gather confidence in ourselves to take a ride against the tide and prove our mettle. We lack that ‘Big D%$# Energy’ and brazen risk taking attitude and we often end up staying safe and comfortable in our own little shells.
It is a catch-22 situation for which there may not exist a solution yet. Australia needs to attract Talent and to attract Talent there need to be role models. What can be done in the meantime is making the workplace conducive and actively supporting immigrants in their career roadmap so they can see a bright future in the organization and someday become role models for others.
This one is a long way off and clearly needs a lot of work.
I know diagnosing these reasons won’t bring back my dear friend ‘Aishwarya Venkat’ but I miss her dearly.
I wish I had been around on that fateful night to counsel you and to tell you ‘it’s going to get better, I promise’…
I wish I had the opportunity to share the insights above with you in-person and to guide you through the difficult time you were going through…
I wish I had hugged you harder when we last met…
I wish I had stayed more in touch with you the last one month..
I wish you Rest In Peace my dear friend…
I know when I eat cheese I’ll always think of you…
