When Life Jolts You Into Desolation — Build Resilience
“Where have you been hiding?”, you might ask. I…well I have been building resilience. If you have been following my blog posts, you’d know that I am living alone in Australia — this beautiful country but I have been wanting in companionship as I am living miles away from my husband (of four and a half years) who is currently studying at Kellogg School Of Management, the United States Of America.
How have I been doing? Well, I have been living without him for over three months now and guess what — I survived! It hasn’t been easy not in the least but it’s been a great character building exercise and on the upside, I am going to Chicago to spend sometime with my husband for the Christmas holidays which isn’t too far away now.
I believe the single biggest change was switching mental gears — from feeling like a joint entity to feeling on my own, with the onus of lifting the load of our marriage almost entirely using my frail shoulders — all this with the grim knowledge that my husband would be MIA for a whole year. What this meant was running the house all by myself (rent, bills, food), managing our social circle in his absence, bringing food to the table so I could financially support not just myself but also my husband and lastly trusting my judgement to make the right decisions with no one to bounce ideas off of.
I think most married folks might be able to relate to this — after a few years of being married, one reaches this wonderful comfort zone where each partner is shielded from a cent percent responsibility as the couple together is expected to produce the ‘100%’, I guess this is what makes a marriage a joint partnership. I knew that I would not always have the moral and emotional support of my husband because he would be fighting battles of his own and that there might be days where we’d even struggle to talk to each other. So in the literal sense, I was in it ALL ALONE and I had to punch above my weight to accomplish the hundred percent result.
In this blogpost, I want to outline some of the changes I experienced living in this circumstance and how I chose to cope with my new reality. To add to the woes, there have also been some erratic and untimely lockdowns in Melbourne which surely made it a double whammy for me .
So, what have I learnt living alone in the last few months — well..
People eventually show their true colors :- Some couple friends who initially emboldened my spirits ahead of my husband’s travel by assuring me that they would be there for me suddenly went radio silent once my husband was gone — they perhaps felt that the burden of handling me when I’d be a hot mess would fall on their shoulders — this was quite disheartening to see but again, it proved to be a great litmus test for our so-called friends. Speaking of friends, I did end up making some great ones in my neighbourhood who made surviving this period not only possible but also quite enjoyable.
Some days will naturally be harder than others :- I experienced how isolating and lonely some days could be — there were times when I had no one to speak to as my family back home in India wasn’t available and my husband was too busy to talk. What was most difficult in those moments was allowing myself to feel miserable, desolate and lonely… with ZERO judgements. Often times, I found myself obsessing about our financial situation (student loan in the US is real!), moving to the next stage in our relationship (buying a house, planning a child?) and living together with a sense of permanence (we’ve spent a fifth of our marriage in long distance you see)…At those instances, I had to remember that it gets worse before it gets better and that everyone’s journey in life is unique and we’ll deal with everything in due course. More importantly, there was nothing a good cup of coffee couldn’t fix — to that order, my husband also ended up gifting me this beautiful De’Longhi Barista Coffee Machine which was incredibly thoughtful of him and I can confirm that the coffee has managed to elevate my spirits on the days I’ve felt down.
Planing the year ahead :- Instead of wallowing in my loneliness, I tried to flip the lens by perceiving this one year as the only time I’d have just to myself. In the spirit of treasuring the time on hand, I started putting together a high level roadmap for the entire year (yes, I channeled my inner project manager and treated this no different than a life project). To set myself up for success, I divided the whole year into palatable chunks of time and set aside outcomes and activities for each chunk.
- June’21 — August ’21 :- Build resilience and confidence |Outcome — Feel comfortable with the new reality
Activities — Connect with family and long lost friends, build a good ecosystem for my mental well-being and embrace colleagues as family at workplace.
2. September’21 — November ’21 :- Build the core and expand my repertoire | Outcome — Thrive by using the time on hand efficiently
Activities — Push the envelop by picking up demanding projects at work and doubling down on my professional skill sets, sign up for a French language course, commit to ‘The Artist’s Way’ program, lose around 8–10 pounds and improve my tennis game.
3. December ’21 — February ’21 :- Blow off some steam | Outcome — Refuel my emotional tank
Activities — Travel to the US to spend time with my hubby and visit New York, Yellowstone National Park, The Grand Canyon and potentially a coast to coast road trip?
4. March ’21 — May ’21 :- Build growth mindset | Outcome — Be ready to embrace the next phase of life
Activities — Professional growth, family planning and financial planning.
As I write this, I have the first three months in the bag. I actively try to plan ahead every single day — especially the weekends so I have an element of predictability as I enter my day. Trust me, there’s always great comfort in knowing what’s coming our way.
So, what keeps me afloat? Two constant reminders to myself, firstly the big picture view of our life— why we decided to push ahead with the decision for my husband to go for a higher education in this phase of our life and secondly, nothing lasts forever and like everything else this too shall pass…
